


Tangled

by parabajalec



Category: Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare, Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Book 5: City of Lost Souls, Book 6: City of Heavenly Fire, Brotherly Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parabatai, Parabatai Bond, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, jalec - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 13:05:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8402803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parabajalec/pseuds/parabajalec
Summary: TW: self harm, suicideLaying in his bed in his room at the New York institute, Jace is feeling numb with depression and can't seem to find the will to get out of bed which is very unlike him. Feeling nothing but pure emptiness and sorrow, he takes the blade from a razor in his bathroom and begins carving harsh, jagged lines into his skin. Alec knocks his door, wanting to check up on his parabatai after not hearing from him for two hours.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Story takes place a day after Jace finally wakes up from being stabbed by Glorious in City of Lost Souls.
> 
> This is my first ever fanfiction please don't judge too harshly haha! I've been wanting something like this the happen in the books (the brotherly love) and although we were given some nice scenes, I found that I was never fully satisfied. Jace and Alec's relationship is described as one that doesn't come close to a sibling bond; it's even more special and intimate and I feel like this aspect of their relationship could've been explored more. I know this is a bit far-fetched but it was interesting to write, anyways, I hope you enjoy. :)

After being stabbed by Clary, Jace recalls the events that took place that night he almost sacrificed Clary and himself to Sebastian's army of dark shadowhunters. He falls into a deep depression and believes that he can't even trust himself to keep Clary safe. He goes through his usual path of self hatred but this time it's different. He allows his thoughts and bad memories to consume him all at once. 

Alec and Isabelle were given the task to check up on the blond haired boy frequently to see how he was doing; They knew he was feeling bad about everything that had happened.

After knocking three times and hearing no response, Alec opens the door and finds Jace, stiff and tangled in his crisp white sheets that were now bloodstained and tear-soaked. Jace's face was bare of expression, if Alec didn't feel his presence through his parabatai rune, he'd think he was dead. 

"Jace.. " Alec, stood in the doorframe of Jace's bedroom and shut the door almost instantly after seeing the boy in such a state. Jace was usually the strong one who rarely let his guard down and never let anyone feel sorry for him. He'd never let it known if he was feeling upset or low because he'd always believed that there were more important things to be sad about but Alec could feel always feel it. It was never a strong feeling but Alec knew it was there. In this case, he felt Jace's depression deeply; like a breath you couldn't catch, like the feeling of your soul wandering aimlessly with no sense of direction. 

"Alec, leave. I don't want you to see me like this." Jace said.

"I'm not going anywhere." Alec was stubborn in his tone. 

"Alec-" 

"Jace, stop. Please don't shut me out. I am your parabatai, your brother. I'm always here for you no matter what.." He looked down at his parabatai's arms which were soaked in scarlet, not with pity but with deep sorrow. "Don't hurt yourself over what seb- that THING did to you." the name Sebastian felt sour in his mouth, the hatred he felt for the frost haired boy was a feeling that he would never be able to express with words. "It wasn't you back then. It was him controlling you. You couldn't have done anything." 

"There's always something I could've done, Alec." His voice was a sharp yet exhausted whisper built up from years of emotional pain. "Everyone would just be better off without me. You, Isabelle, Maryse.. Clary." 

Alec looked genuinely hurt, his blue eyes turning gray at the thought of no longer having the other half of his soul on earth. The expression that stroked his face was as if he had taken a glimpse into his future without Jace. His future was dispirited and despondent. 

"Don't you ever say that. I am a better person because of you. You make me who I am today, you are a PART of me and if I ever lost you, I-I may as well not even be alive." The words felt as if they were choking him but he felt them deeper than any ocean imbedded into the earth. 

Jace unfixed his focus from his drawers opposite from where he was laying and moved his gaze towards Alec, not quite looking him in the eye; he couldn’t bring himself to do so, but at his neck instead. 

"Alec, no I-. Don't say that." Jace looked as if he'd only then realised how much of an impact he'd had on Alec's life. The thought of hurting him made his heart ache for a moment.

"It's the truth." He slowly began to move from where he was standing; opposite Jace's gaze, to the bathroom. He grabbed a wet towel and carefully took a seat next to his parabatai on his bed. "Here, let me clean those." He patted down the bloody wounds covering Jace's arms and he'd let him. He didn't have the energy to protest. He needed looking after but had always been too stubborn to admit it; although it was different with Alec. When it was just the two of them together, he didn't have to pretend not to need anyone even though he'd often forget that he's allowed to rely on his parabatai. 

"I just want you to know that you don't always have to be strong around me, I agreed to be your parabatai because I knew you needed looking after, I took on that responsibility because I wanted to, not because I had to. Nothing has changed, Jace." Halfway through tracing the second iratze on the blond haired boy's skin, Jace peered at Alec with melancholy. He'd never been this quiet before; he'd never not had anything to say. 

"Thank you" we're the only words that he could bring himself to mutter. Very rarely would Jace express how he felt to Alec. There was a slight flicker of surprise in the dark haired boy's face that you'd only catch had you been staring, which was exactly what Jace was doing. 

"I mean it. I don't say it enough but I appreciate you and - and.. I love you, Alec and I'm so sorry for everything I've put you through. You've always stuck by me and never judged me for my crazy decisions." It was one of the things Jace loved about his parabatai; he never judged him or questioned him. He would just lend a hand to help pick up the pieces. 

The blue eyed boy had finally finished tracing the iratze's and Jace's skin began slowly healing, as expected. Looking down at his arms, tears began silently flowing out of the blond boy's eyes as if he had been holding back tides for a hundred years. Alec looked at him with such an understanding. He knew what it felt like to have to be strong when your feelings were eating you alive. Alec shifted next to Jace so that they were sat with their shoulders touching and with a firm arm, pulled him in close and embraced him in a tight hug. They hardly ever hugged each other but he could tell Jace needed to feel loved, not in a way Clary could make him feel but a kind of love that felt familiar; like coming home. Jace let himself blend into Alec and comfortably buried his head into Alec's shoulder; Alec letting him cry into his new sweater that Magnus got for him just the other day. He never really cared about keeping his clothes in perfect condition anyway; unlike Jace, almost all of his sweaters had holes and rips. 

They held each other like that for the next ten minutes or so, locked in a warm embrace and it was never uncomfortable. It felt peaceful, like two halves of the same person perfectly intertwined. It was just what Jace needed, reassurance that he mattered and that it was okay to let himself give in to his emotions every now and then. Jace realised that as long as he had his parabatai, he'd never be empty despite how he felt.


End file.
